I Love Her More.

Share

November 6^th. The day gave me bad vibes, but it was hard to figure what was responsible for that. I could see it was just like any other day. The sun did rise from the east; the clouds moved hand-in-hand with the breeze, the leaves danced with the wind; nothing unusual. What were it then that gave me a bad feeling, I thought.

‘What’s up?’ I waved everyone I saw that day.

Everyone, almost everyone, in my college knew me, and that’s what you do when you see familiar faces every day, right?

“Dude, how’s Neha? It’s been quite a few days and I haven’t heard about her, from you. Kya chal raha hai, haan? (What’s happening, ehh?)” Aniket asked with a smirk on his face. I understood where this was going.

“What are you, a dumbass? You know there’s nothing going, still you ask every time. Get a life!” I replied.

Obviously I couldn’t talk to him in every detail about her now, can I? But, he knew that I liked Neha a lot, and just like any other friend would behave on knowing that his friend has a liking for someone, he mocked me about it; teasing, a little bit of leg-pulling. I didn’t mind though; I loved it in fact.

Daytime passed by in a flash, as you might know it would, especially when you are having fun. ‘Why won’t they pass by when exams are on?’ I always wonder.

Sunday night, and my mind started imploding.

‘It’s Monday Tomorrow.’ It said.

‘I know. Thanks for the heads up!’ I replied.

Sunday evenings are the worst, knowing that you have to wake up early the next day; run, a distance of what feels like miles, to the class. Rot the whole day. Ah! That’s the worst feeling, and it had a frequency of returning back every week. Hell!

Anyway, that didn’t keep me from Facebook. Facebook is our, is my, favorite pass time, and I wonder if I would have had a life without it. Now, don’t tell me Get a Life! It’s through Facebook that I actually got one. J

11P.M. The clock read. I logged into Facebook.

She was online. I knew whenever she came online on facebook, her page used to get flooded with chatboxes. Replying everyone would be quite a job. Everyone wanted to be her friend, wish her ‘hi’, ‘hello’; and I was lucky that I was one of her best friends. So, I knew if I would talk to her on facebook chat, she would reply me. I had talked to her, for what felt like decades. I recently had my number changed because I had lost my cell phone earlier, or stolen is more appropriate to say! And co-incidentally, she too had changed her number during that time.

So, I didn’t have any means to contact her. I had missed her so much.

I bed the usual ‘hi’, ‘hello’ & ‘hw r u?’

“Hey, i won Miss Rose title on our college’s fresher’s night” she said.

“Ohh!! That’s Lovely. You didn’t you get some sort of crown, did you?” I joked as i didn’t think she would have been offered a crown too for the title she had just won.

“Yup. That with a 112 rose’s bouquet.” She replied.

“So you did win a crown!! That’s superb. Congrats. J”

“Thank you, but you didn’t think I could win?” she asked.

“What!... No… There was never a doubt ;)”

“:D”

It was then when something caught my attention. I saw an update flashing in my facebook homepage.

“Neha changed her relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’”.

Holy Shit!!! I was stupefied. Earlier, she did mention about being confused of being in love with some guy, but she never happened to mention his name. I secretly wished that guy to be me, only if miracles do happen. But seeing this relationship update of hers, I was more than just shocked and I knew it wasn’t me she was talking about then. “There was never a doubt”? Ha! How ironical!

I wanted to hear, what I had just seen, from her. But, I couldn’t call her up. Calling her up was just so not possible. She would, definitely, have noticed the choke in my voice.

It had to be facebook. She was still online. I asked her, “It’s time to tell me what you have been hiding ever since”.

I knew that knowing the name won’t be good for me. Moreover, what could i possibly do if i come to know the guy’s name? But i wanted to know who the guy was.

“I will tell you but this isn’t the time. I will tell you some other time” she replied

“What!! Why? What’s there to hide now?”

“I promise i will tell you but not now… I can’t tell now.”

“What’s the point in not telling now? You are promising you would tell me the name later so eventually you will, right? Why not now then?”

“Just like that.”

“Just like that?? Why are you hiding things from me? For our friendship’s sake please tell me. I’m way too curious to know the name. At least tell me how do you know him and when did this happen?” I was starting to get restless.

“We had been friends since last 2 years and this happened about 2 months ago.”

“Hmm... Now, the name please....”

“Sorry but i can’t tell you now”

“Go to hell for doing this to me. You are depriving me of my right to know the name. So go to hell!!” I was panicking now.

“okkk...” she replied

“Okkk??? You are saying okkk???”

“Ok, 1 hint. You know him…”

Then, i saw a facebook friend of mine had also updated his relationship status just after 5 minutes from hers. I was confused, is he the one? Nahh, can’t be? I started praying God, “This can’t be the one, please!!!!”

I didn’t even know the guy, even if he was from my college, but still i had sent him a friend request just like that. Now, may be because he was in my facebook friend list she thought i must know that guy. Of her hint, i guessed his name.

“Is it Debashis???” praying, her to say a NO! I wish.

“Yup...J”

I signed off chat and all I could say to her in reply was, ‘Good for youJ’. I faked my smile.

Thunderbolt had just struck me. I was numb. My fingers were on the keyboard, FROZEN! My eyes now were trying hard to reject the image of what it had seen just then. My whole inside wanted to reject that very fact. My heartbeat rose to peak 150s, more or less! I was breathing fast to cope with the oxygen that my body suddenly demanded because of the rising heartbeats.

I had never pictured this moment in my mind. I hadn’t calculated this possibility before. I was just blind. My heart just kept mounting a love castle for her; circumstances, I never conceived. My mind couldn’t calculate what my future would be like; she’s gone, right?

All my love was for nothing? No… I had some of my best times with her. She was a goddess for me; and to start with, I hadn’t even painted myself with her, together! She was hell out of my league, I knew! But, Debashis!!? Who is he? What did he ever do to deserve her? I can never know…

I couldn’t even tell her that she had become my world. I couldn’t even tell her that she is the most beautiful girl that ever existed. I couldn’t even tell her that her smile was the cutest. I couldn't even tell her she was perfect. I couldn't even tell her how lucky I was to have her, as a part of my life. I couldn’t even tell her that I Love Her.

Now, I can’t tell her that. She’s in a relationship now, and it wouldn’t be the best of ideas to tell her my feelings now. Spilling it now would only make her hate me. 
I didn’t want to seem selfish!

I went outside my room. Now, knowing that I have lost her, I couldn’t keep the pain inside and cry for my room-mate to see. I went outside, to the balcony. While there, I heard loud noises. ‘Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to dear … blah blah blah’. It was someone’s birthday. The clock had already struck 12A.M. Birthday wishes soon followed by kicking the b’day boy’s ass. It was like a ritual. We called it GPL. (Kick on your butt. That’s the full form of that, though in Hindi)

At least they are happy, I thought. I just looked blankly towards the night sky. Jewels of the night sky glimmered, twinkled. The view was mesmerizing, I realized. That reminded me of Neha, again! Tiny little saline ambassadors of water soon started leaking out. That’s what people wouldn’t call a Manly thing to do, but yes I noticed, I was crying.

Curses soon followed. After few minutes of cursing; asking God why He did this to me! Wasn’t I loyal enough? Wasn’t my love true & strong enough? Tears stopped finally after having sucked almost all the water from my body. I was feeling very weak now.

I washed my face, covering the tear tracks; I went to Aniket’s room. I needed someone around and Aniket was closest to me in my college; he knew that I was in love with Neha.

Aniket was working on some of his club businesses, in his laptop, when I barged into his room. I went in and sat on the bed opposite to his. He told me what he was working on. I just nodded, and asked him to continue his work and I would just sit there. Not that didn’t want him to know what just happened, but I just couldn’t say it to him.

“Wassup?” he asked me.

“Ahh!! No..Not..nothing…” I was hardly able to speak. It felt like someone was trying to choke my throat and I couldn’t even cry for help. Words just wouldn’t come out.

“Dude, something wrong? And why are your eyes looking red?” he asked

I just nodded implying there was nothing wrong, but then a tear drop accidentally slipped from my eyes. He came and sat beside me asking again what was wrong!

“Did Neha do anything?”

I couldn’t hold those leaky bastards as they fought their way out again. I was crying again, and this time there was no stopping. I had gotten a shoulder to cry on. I just kept crying in his arms. He was trying hard to console me but I wouldn’t stop crying. Thinking this might be ending up as an embarrassment, I rushed out of his room.

I was back to my room. I dumped myself in my bed, and tried to sleep avoiding my room-mate any sort of eye contact; I wasn’t able to sleep!

After trying hard to sleep for around 3 hours, I could finally sleep to find myself waking up at 1PM the next day.

I was now wondering, what my life would be from here on, knowing that she is now in a relationship? But this fact doesn’t change most of it. I still wanted her to be happy. I still wanted her around. I still cared about her more than anything.  I still love her. I love her, if what can be measured in figures, even more.

But, I could delineate her picture fading away, moving away from me. ‘She’s going away’ my insides roaring the very fact that I could see right in front of me.

“I try to stretch my arms to catch her. I touch her, try to grasp her palm, and she vanishes into thin air. She becomes a part of the mist. She’s gone.”

“The day I saw you, I knew I would fall for you. The day I came to know about you, I knew I could fight for you. The day you became my best friend, I knew I could die for you. The day I realized that I love you, I knew I couldn’t live without you.”

~M@NM@Y~